I like to believe that I work hard. Read that again. I like to believe that I work hard. I wonder who Iโm trying to convince. If I think that Iโm a hard worker, why not just say, โI work hard.โ I think itโs because Iโm scared someone will call me out on it. โNo you donโt!โ Theyโll yell. โI know men that work twice as hard as you do,โ theyโll say. Iโm sure there are people who put in more hours, more effort, more money than I do. But that doesnโt diminish my effort, does it?
You may think that question is rhetorical because the answer is so obviously a yes. My work and my value are not dependant on the opinion of an imaginary man shouting at me in my head. Believe it or not, but that little man wins some days. I feel like my work isnโt good enough, that I donโt try hard enough, that my value is tied to my performance. Sometimes my masculinity even comes under question in my mind. Men are hard working and successful. On a bad day, what does that make me?
Logically, I know that I work hard, that I care. I can also reason that basing my self worth on my work is foolish and dangerous. But some days logic escapes me. Today is sort of one of those days. I am working hard, waiting for opportunity to call. Itโs amazing how each new email I receive sends a spark through my brain. Maybe this is finally it I tell myself. My stomach drops when itโs a pizza promotion.
I know that I work hard, but sometimes it feels like I need to prove it. Thatโs why I like working on something physical. If I clean my car, really scrub, I can see the stains disappearing before my eyes. The harder I work, the more change I can see. The real world doesnโt always feel like washing my car. I scrub and scrub but that pesky mark just wonโt budge. How can I prove to my psychological heckler that Iโm a hard worker if I have nothing to show for my elbow grease?
I hope that today isnโt a bad day for you. I hope that you are confident in your ability, in your inherent value as a person and not as a worker. But I also hope that you come back here if you ever do feel hopeless, you arenโt alone. One day weโll both look at this feeling in the rear view mirror, cars absolutely spotless.