I don’t really know how to start this one. I don’t have a clever joke or a witty line. This week I’m looking back at 2022. You hear lots of companies do the same thing at some point in December, but that usually involves some kind of sale or promotion. I’m not trying to sell you something. I want to look back at what I learned this year, what it did for me, to me maybe. I don’t know why I’m compelled to look back and try to figure out how I’ve changed. Hugh Grant and Love Actually definitely have something to do with it, that’s all I can tell you.
In each post this week I have tried to focus on a specific set of experiences this year; my career, my travels, the connections I made. Today I want to have a look at myself. How have I changed? I also want to negotiate how much I reveal to you - this is the internet after all, and I don’t want my private thoughts rattling around here forever. That said, I want to give you at least a glimpse into how I might have grown or the challenges I faced because I believe that I may encourage you. It is my hope that whenever you read something I have written that you connect with my words. I want to uplift you, or at the very least, conjure a scoff.
Right. With that out of the way, the question must be asked, “What have I learned this year?” Maybe learned is a bad word, maybe it’s oversimplified. I certainly learned things this year, but I feel like that question puts pressure on my performance, that life is a lecture, I’m halfway through, my notes are a scribbled mess and I’m already 3 minutes behind the professor. Clearly I still have to learn the art of being concise. Okay, then, “How have I changed this year?”
I began the year with absolutely no clue how it would unfold. I had no plan, but an unreasonably large measure of hope. I felt like I had a huge amount of potential - what for? I still haven’t quite figured that out. I knew I would be taking this year to explore, to push and push past the limits of my comfort zone. In my third year of university my lecturer was really tough on me. At the time it felt like something she was doing to me, she expected so much it was occasionally overwhelming. Really, though, she did something for me. She showed me that I was hard working and while not especially skilled, particularly capable of persistence. I wanted to continue on that journey of difficulty, now self imposed, to see what else I was capable of.
Those decisions were made around 10 months ago. I can tell you now that pushing yourself is certainly worth the reward, but unfortunately leaving your comfort zone can be quite uncomfortable. Shocking, I know. Yes, I crossed the world and had myriad experiences. Half of the time, though, I was either under huge pressure at work or had a really tight budget. I’m only 23, but even my back strained under the 32 kilograms of luggage I often carried for hours on end just to get to my next location. Those are easy challenges to overcome. The really tough stuff is realising how far away from home you are. Knowing that no one for hundreds of kilometres speaks your language. Feeling lost and alone in a new city. The little things burrow deep into your heart and make carrying heavy stuff way more difficult.
Thankfully, though, I managed to escape the year relatively unscathed. Or perhaps my wounds have simply scabbed over. My back is feeling limber again in any case. I have experienced many fortunate and fantastic personal changes this year. I have managed to read around 30 books. I went to a few dozen parties, speaking to just about every kind of person. The most valuable takeaway in all this commotion was that I figured out how to love and enjoy myself.
I’ve always preferred a slice of cheesecake and a coffee to a night out. This left me feeling like a bad 20 something, like my wires had been crossed and I was 53 on the inside. But this year I learned to like that about myself. I learned to enjoy the little bits about me that I think are cool, even if they don’t really fit the description of what people think I should be. I like LEGO, even though I feel like I’m too old to. I like slow mornings with the crossword, even though I feel like I’m too young to. I learned that I deserve to love myself. I should think that I’m great. It’s something I’m still working on, and I imagine I will be working on for some time. Here’s to many more slices of cheesecake! (And maybe one or two nights out, too).