I’m quite scared I think. Not as I write this and certainly not all the time, but it happens. It feels a bit like sleeping on the beach. I go to sleep on dry sand and everything in my life feels stable and logical and good. But I am woken in a haze, suddenly finding that my feet are wet, shocked as the ice cold waves break against my ribs. Just then, all I can focus on is the water, never mind the dry land a few metres behind me. The tides have washed away my confidence and ushered in fear.
This is very dramatic, I know. But I am very dramatic, and this is really how I felt this morning. Not overcome with fear or anxiety; I wasn’t drowning. But I didn’t expect any feeling of fear or dread. After all, I went to sleep on dry land, I expected to wake up on dry land. Everything in my mind, in my life, was fine when I fell asleep, but something grabbed my heart this morning and clung tightly to it. It felt like a shadow that hovered over me, narrowly escaping my vision each time I tried to find it.
I think it was fear. What about? I find that the longer I give myself to answer the question, “what are you scared of?” The longer my list becomes. My future, my finances, where my career is going, if indeed it is going at all. None of my fears were specific, though. I think that that’s anxiety. My body trying to tell me I’m scared, but grasping at straws to find reasons. I don’t want to be anxious. Or scared.
I don’t really have a joke or recommendation to share with you today. I just wanted to show you that we all have tricky days. I only have my heart and my life to share. Perhaps that will be enough.