Living loudly.

Reflecting on the noise in my life.

How often do you intentionally experience silence? It sounds very silly to phrase it that way but I feel even sillier writing ‘do you ever listen to silence?’ If you are anything like me, the time you actually spend in silence is probably very, very little. Something I own is always buzzing or bumping; my washing machine habitually throws itself against my kitchen wall in wild fits, attempting to earn my attention. Once it is finished washing my towels it promptly delivers a much too long, much to excited mechanical tune. I am almost convinced that it enjoys getting under my skin, I can hear the smugness in its singing.

The world I live in is noisy. That’s natural, I suppose. People chat and stomp around (my upstairs neighbour certainly does). Cars rev and hoot and the traffic slowly churns. All of the hustle and bustle that forms the heartbeat of a city isn’t really my issue, though. I think it’s all the noise I choose to engage with. It’s the constant stream of movies, TikToks, hit singles, Instagram Reels, games. I feel like I have become so accustomed to the noise that being without it feels empty. Isn’t that scary? I have recently found myself doing the New York Times Crossword every day. I am aware that this sentence is not usually uttered by 23 year olds - forgive me. What I tend to do, though, is play music while I suffer the infuriating clues just in order to occupy as much of my mind as possible.

Something in me believes that this can’t be good. Always being connected, plugged in, busy. I am totally at fault, myself, of course. I am listening to a song on repeat now, as I write this. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with having music in the background; I remember when I first had exams in school I was told that listening to classical music while studying can actually help you retain information. I think the troubling thought is never disconnecting. Some days it feels like I put earphones in shortly after waking up and take them out just before I go to bed. I may be productive: listening to an audiobook while I do chores, listening to music while I write or work, passing the time on public transport with a podcast. And, yes, taking the occasional break to watch The Office.

I just wonder sometimes: what am I doing to myself? Should I disconnect more often? It’s so hard for me to unplug, I want that stimulation. I get bored eating, driving, washing the dishes quietly. Maybe it’s not stimulation I crave, but company.