Welcome to my journal! It echoes my thoughts and feelings as I journey through life. I hope you connect with what you read. If you enjoy this journal, please subscribe.
Every time I get stuck behind someone walking at a snail’s pace, I have to summon all my self-discipline not to push right past them and glare behind me as I speed away. I end up rolling my eyes or biting a knuckle in an attempt to dissapate the frustration. So help me if the slow-walker is bottlenecking a doorway or, perhaps even worse, an escalator. I am genuinely clueless when I come across people who stop and stand at the top or bottom of an escalator as though they were the only one to use it. Excuse me! All of us would also like to escape these moving stairs bevour they devour us, shoelaces first! Clearly I have to work on my patience.
I don’t think I have ever been acused of being too laid-back. I don’t think anyone has ever considered, even for a second, to mention laid-back while describing me. No, I tend towards the highly-strung end of the spectrum. Aside from my hastened walking, I struggle to pace myself in several other areas of my life. If you ever invite me over for dinner, I am likely to finish my plate of food first—though I like to belive my eating pace is far more polite now than it was when I was a pre-teen, mindlessly inhaling chicken and vegetables and anything else I could get my teeth on. When I write birthday cards, my handwriting is neat and curled, but it has the tendancy to morph into a scrawl when I jot down shopping lists or write a sentence or two for my German homework. My third-year lecturer at university often used to tell me that I run before I walk. When pitching her ideas in our biweekly meetings, I would have already started developing half-thought-out ideas into less-than-half-thought-out presentations. She would take one look at my keynote and see it for the mess it was. She’d slow me down, help me process and unpack each idea properly. I’m very grateful for her influence in my life. I still try to heed her words, years later. But I forget or give into my neuroticism: whenever I have something that needs to be planned, I plan it as soon as I can. I’ve written an innumerable number of to-do lists and schedules on the bus or waiting for class to start. It’s like every pause must be filled.
I struggle to do the whole ‘one step at a time’ thing. I’m far more prone to do all the steps, all at once. This is, unfortunately, rather effective at frustrating me and my loved ones. I think the most dangerous thing about planning everything all at once, not allowing for time to pass or for input from others, is that I assume I have all the answers. I often feel pressure to have all the answers, too. When I face big challenges, I get overwhelmed because I try to solve every problem simultaneously instead of, ahem, taking them one at a time. A great example is my current visa situation. I want to stay in Germany, and to do that I need a visa. Simple. Well, the one I have will run out in about six months, so now is a good time to put out some feelers as to which visa I am able to apply for next. Luckily, I’m not in a rush (I am leaving this here mostly as a reminder for me). A few options are available, each with their own conditions and opportunities. I could get a work visa, for which I require a signed contract proving my employment, statements about my salary and lots of other tedeous details. The job must also align with my degree in Design. No exceptions. So I consider all the jobs here in Berlin that I can apply to. However, Berlin is a competitive city and I haven’t worked in the creative industry in two years. I begin worrying that my portfolio is way too old, and wasn’t that good to start with and do I even really want to work as an art director, how sustainable is that career anyway, with AI on the horizon…My stomach churns and I begin to consider my other options. I could study. What, though? Well, that doesn’t really matter because I have no idea how I could afford tuition. Never mind tuition, I can’t afford rent! Or food! And a part-time job (which is the only kind of employment a student visa allows) won’t cover the costs!
My stomach continues to turn over and over again like a cement mixer. The only way I can break the anxiety is to walk away from the thoughts. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. I really belive that, but I need to slow down to hear it. I try to counter every conceivable difficulty before they even occur. I drive myself wild, going too quickly. What I should be doing, I think, is taking each visa, *cough, one at a time. I have six months left to research and apply and ask for help and reasearch some more. I can’t just avoid the mess all together, I think that would be foolish. I can, though, move much slower. Just pick one website, one company. Write one email, and that’s all. Just start. I don’t think it’s the end of the world that I’m a fast walker, but I think I will put myself through far, far more stress than necessary if I don’t learn to slow down.
Funny enough, I am painfully strict when it comes to baking, following each step in precise order. If you enjoyed this journal, please share it with someone you love.