Are you familiar with the phrase You’re your own worst enemy? I’m very weary of that expression. I am very weary of most advice vague and concise enough to be a bumper sticker. Recently, though, I have been attributing more and more wisdom to that particular idea.
About a month ago I had a sort of breakdown while suit shopping with my best friend. Once we found the perfect suit for his wedding I came apart at the seams, crying about how frustrated I was about various challenges I was facing at the time. Luckily the groom-to-be was very understanding and attempted to put my pieces back together for an hour or so. Still feeling very precious, but wanting to go home, we then left the site of my emotional disaster. The strange thing is, that day was actually a lovely day prior to my wobble. The sun was shining, my friend and I had a few great chats, we got some chores done, had a cheap and tasty lunch, and found the suit that he needed. So why the tears, then?
That day I was my own worst enemy. Three or so real challenges that I needed to address became a monstrous hundred headed hydra in my mind. I hyper-focused on my problems and every solution offered by either my brain or my comforting friend felt absolutely hopeless. In that moment, failure felt inevitable, it was the only option. The tsunami of fear grew larger and darker with every passing breath. But the facts didn’t change. My circumstances were identical the day before my crisis, they were unchanged an hour before my crisis.
I think that I put so much pressure and expectation on myself that I lost sight of my challenges entirely. I was reacting to my perception of the problem, rather than the problem itself, and that turned my whole day on it’s head. I still haven’t fixed all of those problems, but I’m a little closer than I was a month ago. I’m trying to breathe, now. I’m trying to be an ally to myself rather than an enemy. Maybe I should have a team name or something.